


My Compass (Heart) Will Always Stay True

by rhyaenv



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, Dialogue Heavy, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Beta Read, Pining, Pining Dean, Pining Dean Winchester, Post-Stanford, Requited Unrequited Love, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-04 03:05:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12761817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhyaenv/pseuds/rhyaenv
Summary: If Dean's heart was a compass, true north would always lead to Sam. Because if one could see into Dean Winchester's heart, they'd know—forever and always, his heart would only ever see and belong to Sam.





	1. "And Sometimes, Our Compass Breaks"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Charlie_Waits](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie_Waits/gifts).



> This is a fanfic written for a very dear friend of mine, [Charlie_Waits](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie_Waits), who requested a throwback to songfics—something based on a song I love (including the lyrics was optional), but that also reminded me of a ship I like. I've mainly been listening to Kpop lately, but I decided to look for a song in English for this request, so, uh, it kinda took me a while to go back, find, and then listen to some of my favorite songs in my music library that are in English, lol. In the end, I decided to go with the song ["West" by _Sleeping At Last_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqceaH2nQ5I). If you like this fic, please leave me a comment down below, I'd love to hear back from you all! ♥
> 
> The lyrics won’t be mentioned, as this isn’t an actual songfic, but this idea was what my brain came up with after listening to the song on repeat for a while. Just this soft fic with a handful of angst and a hint of pining, but, knowing me, there had to be a happy ending—my heart wouldn’t have it any other way. Though, I did try to make a few references to the song here and there, hehe. 
> 
> I hope you like this fic, soul buddy! ♥

They were making their way to a small town in western Texas for a case. Despite the fact that it was already mid-December, winter seemed to have left the area around them completely unaffected. They’d seen the evidence of it earlier—the endless fields around them had been bare, untouched by snow, and while some trees had indeed lost their leaves, most of them still had them, even if they were a slightly washed out green. But one sure sign that winter was, without a doubt, still there was the time. Even though it wasn’t even seven yet, the sun had already set and the waxing moon was glowing brightly in the dark sky above them. 

The passing lights next to the lonely stretch of road they were on were faint, but they still lightly illuminated the inside of the Impala in warm yellow tones when they passed by them. Enough that at each instance, when Dean let himself take a brief glance at Sam thorough the corner of his eyes, he could see his little brother’s profile. At times Sam would be looking at something on his phone, and his face would be illuminated by the screen’s harsh, bright white light, sometimes he’d be looking straight ahead of the road, and at other times Sam’s head would be turned to stare outside the window to his right even though there was nothing to see outside. 

Though Dean couldn’t clearly see Sam’s features during those fleeting glances, the heavy, doleful silence that filled the Impala said enough about Sam’s state of mind. It’d been slightly over one entire month since Jess’ death and Sam was still grieving. 

Not that Dean could blame his little brother, he personally didn’t know Jess, but given the way Dean had seen Sam interacted with her just before they’d left Stanford, and the way Sam was now grieving, Dean had an inkling of just how much Sam loved her, of just how much Sam was hurting over her loss. 

But guilt tore at Dean’s heart whenever he thought about Sam grieving over Jess, and he hated it. 

Sam was his little brother, Dean knew he should be doing everything possible to be there for him, to comfort him over the loss of his girlfriend, to tell him all would be alright. But instead, Dean couldn’t ignore how the sight of Sam looking so forlorn twisted his own heart in despair and anguish. It pained Dean to see and know how torn up Sam was about Jess, because it proved just how _in love_ Sam was with her, even now after her death. 

And that broke Dean’s heart for a reason no one but himself knew—for a reason no one else could possibly ever be allowed to know.

 

Once, before Sam had left to Stanford, when he was still seventeen and had yet to even graduate from high school, they’d both been left in a motel alone one weekend, and in the darkness of their shared room, Sam had asked Dean such an unexpected question that Dean had to pause for a handful of seconds to try and articulate some sort of reply. 

“Hey, Dean…” Sam’s voice had been soft, hesitant in the dark, “do you ever think about, you know, settling down and marrying someone one day? Maybe even having a family of your own?” 

The silence that followed, as Dean’s mind came to a halt before instantly scrambling to find an answer, had almost been stifling. 

“Sometimes… Sometimes I do think about it,” Dean admitted carefully in a quiet voice, feeling rather thankful and relieved that John was hunting some monster a state away from them then, “but, Sam, honestly, I don’t think that’s ever really gonna happen. I mean, what we do kinda makes it hard for us to live that kind of life.” 

Sam had gone quiet for a handful of seconds then, but before Dean had called out his name in question, his little brother’s faint voiced reached him, “I think about it sometimes too.” 

Sam hadn’t elaborated any further than that, and Dean, not knowing how to reply and feeling too nervous about asking him anything about his answer in fear of what Sam’s reply might be, had gone quiet as well. The silence in the room stretched on, until eventually Dean just assumed Sam had fallen asleep. But in those still moments before sleep, as Dean had lain in his bed looking pointlessly up at the ceiling in the dark, a thought had been repeating in his head. The truth he’d hidden from Sam when he’d answered his question.

_If it were you—if it_ could _be you—I don’t care what anyone else’d say, I’d gladly stop everything to just have you by my side until the end of time._

_It’s you, Sam—it’ll only ever be you._

 

Though Dean was trying his best to keep his eyes on the dark, empty road ahead of them, the moment Sam began to yawn, Dean immediately felt his skin prickle in awareness. 

“Soon as we hit the nearest town, I’ll find us a motel as fast as I can, alright?” the words immediately fell from Dean’s lips in a gentle whisper.

Sam raised a hand to rub at his eyes. “At this point, despite how early it is, thanks to the darkness outside I’m almost tempted to just go to sleep in here right now.” 

“You can,” was Dean’s immediate reply, and though Sam to turned to look at him, Dean kept his eyes on the road and quickly spoke to amend his words, “I mean, we both know how it is out here, we’re probably still about half an hour or so away from the nearest town. Just…get some rest if you want, I’ll wake you up as soon as I find us a place to stay for the night.” 

There was a beat of silence before Sam said in a quiet voice, “Okay. Thanks, Dean.” 

It wasn’t until after Sam had fallen fast asleep that Dean finally glanced at him for a second and faintly murmured under his breath, “You’re welcome.” 

 

Nearly forty minutes later, Dean had finally managed to find them a decent motel. After he parked the Impala and turned off the engine, he dared to look at Sam. 

His little brother was still asleep, a testament to how exhausted he truly was, seeing as he hadn’t woken up the second after Dean had turned off the Impala. His head was tilted back and to the side, resting uncomfortably against the car door’s window. Yet as Dean stared at Sam, his eyes took in how relaxed Sam was, and his heart ached, wanting nothing more than for Sam to always feel and look so at peace. His little brother more than deserved it after everything he’d been through. 

Yet as Dean’s gaze lingered, he couldn’t stop himself from taking in Sam’s features. His long, dark lashes. His soft, rosy lips. Yet Dean found himself staring the most at Sam’s long, bared neck. Thanks to the odd lighting just outside the motel before them, Sam’s skin looked rather pale, making his neck stand out in the lowly lit space inside the Impala. 

Before Dean could stop himself, just for a few brief seconds, Dean wondered what Sam’s neck might look like covered with his marks. What Sam’s skin would feel and taste like if he could bring his lips to kiss and bite at his skin. The noises Sam might make under him if he let Dean—

Immediately, Dean forced himself to look away and pushed those thoughts far away from his mind. He couldn’t allow himself to start thinking like this again—not now, not ever. 

Seeing that his hands were shaking slightly, Dean let out a shuddering breath of air as he raised a trembling hand to run his fingers through his hair. He swallowed and then inhaled deeply, making sure his body calmed down before he reached over and grabbed Sam’s left shoulder and gently shook him. 

“Sam, wake up. We’re here.” 

As Sam’s eyes fluttered open slowly, Dean averted his gaze yet again. 

“Oh,” Sam moved so that he was sitting upright, and when he carefully twisted his neck and back, Dean grimaced when he heard Sam’s bones pop loudly, “wow, yeah, I should’ve known this was going to happen.”

“Well, we’re here now, let’s go check in so you can finally have a nice, soft bed to sleep in, Sleeping Beauty.” 

“Right,” when Dean turned his head just in time to see the corner of Sam’s lips twitch into a small smile, he felt his heart skip a beat. The two got out of the car and after Sam gathered a few of their things from the trunk, Dean made sure the doors were locked before they began walking towards the motel’s entrance. A while after that, the two were making their way towards their room. 

“You think we might be able to order some takeout or something?” It the first thing Sam asked after they walked into the room and Dean closed the door behind them. “I don’t know about you, but I’m kinda hungry right now.”

“Yeah, me too,” Dean remained standing while he watched Sam sit down on the edge of one of the two beds, “what’re you thinking of having?” 

“Maybe Mexican?”

“You want your usual, then?” 

“Yeah.”

“Alright.” Dean reached into his pocket to pull out the car keys and fixed his gaze on Sam. “You wanna come with?” 

There was a pause as Sam looked away. “I— I’d like to stay. I think I’m gonna take a shower.”

“Right,” though Dean felt a sharp twinge of disappointment in his chest, he did his best to ignore the feeling and instead forced himself to grin and joke, “well, you go ahead and pretty yourself up, Samantha—make sure you’re presentable by the time I get back.”

Sam rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Jerk.”

“Bitch.” Dean looked down and let the keys clink in his hands. “Thankfully, I think I saw a place on the way here, just a few blocks away, that might sell Mexican food. So I shouldn’t be out too long.” 

“Okay.”

An awkward silence filled the room. 

“Alright, then I’ll be back in a bit.” Dean walked towards the door and let out a small, inaudible sigh right when the door was directly in front of him and his back was still to Sam. He reached for the doorknob and pulled opened the door, but he didn’t move just yet. Instead, he turned to take one last look at Sam before he left, but his little brother was looking away again. “Well, you enjoy that shower of yours, Samantha.”

He’d hoped for some kind of reaction again, anything really, but Sam said nothing, he didn’t even turn around to look at Dean. And Dean hated how that made his heart sink. 

“Right,” Dean muttered under his breath with a frown. 

But as Dean turned away and finally stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him, he missed the pained expression on Sam’s face as he immediately turned to look at Dean’s retreating back, and the ardent longing in his little brother’s hazel eyes as he watched Dean walk away before the door closed behind him.

 

Hours later, after they’d eaten and Dean himself had taken a shower before they both went to bed, Dean found himself wide awake in bed, staring into the darkness of the room above him, unable to fall asleep. The silence that filled the room was suffocating, and Dean couldn’t help but think back to that night Sam had asked him if he ever thought about settling down and marrying someone. 

Dean knew his true feelings for Sam were taboo, that even if they weren’t, Sam would never see and think of his as more than his older brother. 

Jess, however—even now, she still owned the one thing Dean wanted more than anything in the world, the one thing he knew he could never ever have—Sam’s heart. 

It was crazy for Dean to even consider the idea that he could ever have Sam’s heart like that. But each day, Dean still couldn’t help but dream. Because even though Sam didn't know it, he’d stolen Dean’s heart all those years ago, that even before then, before Dean himself had realized it, his heart itself had just _known_ that it belonged to Sam, that it always would. Because Sam wasn’t just his little brother, Sam was his entire world. So, of course, it was only fitting that the one person that meant everything to Dean would also own his heart. 

The night Sam left to Stanford, Dean had waited until he was alone and far away from John to let himself fall completely apart, because it felt as if Sam had ripped out his heart from his chest and taken it with him to California, leaving him empty, numb, and drowning in despair. How else could a person possibly react when their entire world was taken from them, leaving them desolate and utterly alone? 

Even now, though Sam was only a few feet away from him, sleeping peacefully in his own bed, Dean felt like there were miles and miles between them. Sam had created a life for himself outside of hunting, he’d been studying in a prestigious college, he'd had his very own place, and he'd even had a beautiful girlfriend—by all accounts, Sam seemed to have had a complete, fulfilling life. 

But now, all that was gone, and Dean had no idea how he could help Sam, how he could make his brother feel better again.

Suddenly, Dean couldn’t help but laugh at himself in pity in his mind. 

Because even now, even all these years later, if Sam dared asked him the same question from before, his answer would still be the same. 

_Only if it was you, Sam—I know it’s wrong of me to feel like this, but you’re the only person I’d ever want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t care if my feelings are one-sided, if you’ll only ever see me as your brother—I’ll gladly take that over nothing, so long as you stay with me._

_If you woke up right now and asked me to give all this up, for us to just stop hunting and move somewhere far away where no one knows who we are so we can live normal lives, I’d do it in a heartbeat._

_God, Sam, if only you knew—I’d gladly do anything you asked of me,_ anything _._

But when he considered Sam’s possible answer to the same question now, several years later, all Dean could think with a deep, aching pang in his chest was— _did you ever think about doing those things with her? Did you think_ Jess _was the one?_

And as his heart clenched sharply, Dean shut his eyes and begged that the stinging in his eyes would fade soon, because no matter what, he was sure the answer to both questions was a resounding _yes_.


	2. It’s Okay, We’ll Be Just Fine (I Know We Will)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At last, here is the final chapter. I hope you liked this fic, [Charlie_Waits](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie_Waits)! (*´∀`*) ♥
> 
> If you guys enjoyed this fic, please leave me a comment down below—I love hearing back from you all! ♥

The second he’d seen Sam walking towards the small, dark figure of a woman with no sign of a weapon in his hands, Dean’s heart lurched in abject terror and before he could stop himself, he immediately called out in a loud, livid voice, “Get the hell away from my brother!” 

Though Dean knew a bullet wouldn’t kill _La Ciguapa_ , seeing as he was too far away to use the silver blade in left hand, he raised the small gun in his right hand, pointed it at the long, dark-haired woman, and fired. But when Dean saw the monster turn her head towards him after the bullet hit her, he instantly knew he’d made a mistake. Because the second Dean brought down his gun, there were now two Sams standing a few meters away from him. 

The one standing where the woman had been only seconds ago was gazing at him with eyes full of hurt, his features twisted in betray as his hands reached up to grab at his bleeding shoulder. 

“Dean,” the eerie voice from the injured Sam made Dean’s hairs stand on end, it sounded identical to Sam’s, but something about it still felt inherently wrong, “why? You— You shot me, your own _brother_. How could you?” 

Dean wanted to move, wanted to walk up to La Ciguapa and stab her heart with the knife he had and snarl that she wasn’t his brother, but he couldn’t—no matter how hard Dean tried to force himself to just _move_ , to speak, to do anything, his body remained absolutely still, his gaze unable to look away from the fake Sam who’s shoulder was still bleeding. 

A wave of fear suddenly washed over Dean as he watched her grow closer to him until she was less than a meter away. 

“Dean,” the other Sam’s voice was low, his eyes wide and pleading, and Dean felt his gut churn in disgust that she was wearing Sam’s face and making him look at him like this, “drop the gun and knife in your hands. You don’t need them. It’s just me, Sam, your brother. You don’t want to hurt me.” 

_Go to hell, bitch!_ Dean growled in his head. _You’re not my brother!_

But, to his horror, not a beat after she’d finished speaking his hands had loosed and the dull thuds of his gun and knife hitting the ground below reached his ears. 

“That’s good,” her lips twisted into a pleased grin, and Dean felt his stomach drop at the sight of it on Sam’s face, “thank you, Dean. Now, since you were so obedient, I’ll finally give you want you really want. Just close your eyes and I’ll give make sure to make your last few seconds alive the most…pleasurable.” 

Nausea rolled in Dean’s stomach as his eyes obeyed the command and sealed themselves shut. For a few seconds, there was only darkness and the roaring thrumming of blood in his ears—then, just like that, there was a searing hot pain shooting out from his left shoulder. It was so sudden and sharp that Dean let out a loud gasp as his heart and lungs threatened to burst right out of his chest. 

And then, despite everything, Dean had the distant, yet distinct feeling that he was falling. It seemed to go on and on, until everything stopped and all that was left was the pain and the loud rushing of blood in his ears. 

His heart was racing, and his lungs were constricting and expanding rapidly, begging him for air. A part of him begged him to open his eyes, too see what the hell had happened, to find Sam. But the pain was still there, and Dean found he couldn’t move even then, couldn’t even force his eyes to open. 

Anguish swelled in Dean’s chest—he desperately wanted to move, to look for Sam to see if his little brother was okay. He didn’t care if moving right now would make his injury worse, or that it would make the pain he was experiencing even more intense, all Dean wanted in that moment was to see that Sam was alive and well. 

“Dean!” 

The abrupt, familiar voice startled Dean, though he couldn’t move and show it. But not a second after, there were warm hands on him. 

“Oh God,” it was Sam, and this time, Dean could feel it in his gut that this wasn’t the monster from before, it was _his_ Sam, “Dean, I— Thank God, you’re still breathing. Can— Can you hear me?” 

Unable to reply, Dean merely waited for Sam to continue. 

“Fuck, okay—God,” Dean wasn’t sure for a moment if he was imagining the way Sam’s voice was trembling, “Dean, I— I’m so sorry. I… I know we’re not supposed to make eye contact with Ciguapas, but she tricked me, and I— I looked. Then, when I finally came back…you… God, Dean, she was tearing her nails into your shoulder, and then she leaned in and bit you, and I just—” Sam paused then, and then Dean felt the hands on him vanish. Disappointment welled in Dean’s chest as the loss of Sam’s hands, and he felt his heart clench because even though he couldn’t see Sam, he could hear the worry and pain in his little brother’s wavering voice. 

Sam gently cleared his throat before finally adding, “But don’t worry, I got her. She’s gone now. For now, we have to get you to the Impala and then back to our motel room. Since she bit you and we don’t have an antidote on hand, we’ll just have to wait for the paralytic toxin to leave your body naturally.” 

Then, he let out a weak chuckle, “Fuck, it’s a good thing her body turned to ash after I stabbed her heart, because I honestly wouldn’t be able to bury her body right now. Can’t imagine what that’d be like—can you imagine someone just walking here and stumbling across her corpse?” 

_God, Sam,_ Dean wished he could move so he could shake his head in disapproval at Sam, _your humor’s terrible._

“Anyway, we should get out of here now,” Sam let out a weary sigh, “I need to patch up your shoulder as soon as possible. The wounds don’t look that deep, but I think you’re still bleeding.” There was another pause. “Dean, if you can hear me, don’t worry, I swear I won’t crash the Impala while I drive her.” 

_You better not, Sam,_ Dean thought with a growl, wishing Sam could hear him, _or I swear I’ll kick your ass as soon as I can move my legs again._

Then Sam’s hands were back on him and Dean felt warmth flood his chest. 

Things after that were much of a blur to Dean. One second he could tell he was one the ground and the next he’d been seated in the Impala and then after that he’d been lain down on a soft bed. 

But thankfully, by that time, he’d been able to open his eyes and move his extremities, and, most important of all, he could once again speak. 

“If you’d even gotten just a tiny, single scratch on Baby on the way back here,” Dean warned lowly as Sam moved to gather the supplies needed to tend to Dean’s injury, “I would’ve kicked your ass so hard you’d be feeling it ‘till next week.”

“Jesus, Dean,” Sam let out a breath of air that sounded very much like a short laugh in Dean’s ears, “I didn’t know you cared more about your car more than me, your own flesh and blood brother. Now, hold still, I need to patch up your shoulder.”

 

Amazingly, by the time Sam had finished stitching up the bite wound on Dean’s shoulder, Dean had regained full mobility of his entire body.

“Hey, Sam?” 

Sam didn’t look up, his gaze remained fixed on his older brother’s shoulder as he carefully finished bandaging up the wound. “Yeah?”

Before Dean could chicken out, he took a deep breath and then spoke. “Earlier, you said that she tricked you, that was why you looked at her.” He paused to steel himself. “Did she— Did you hear…Jess? Was Jess the one she made you see when you were caught in her thrall?” 

Since Sam was so close to him, Dean could see the way Sam tensed immediately after he mentioned Jess’ name. A heavy silence followed and just when Dean thought about apologizing and asking Sam to forget he’d even asked, Sam’s shoulders drooped in exhaustion and resignation as he pulled away from Dean until he was sitting on the opposite bed so that they were now both facing one another across the thin space that separated the two beds. 

“No.” Sam’s voice was soft, but given their proximity in the quiet room, Dean could hear his words just fine. Sam let out a shaky, tired breath of air before he continued. “I didn’t see Jess, Dean.” 

“Then,” Dean swallowed and ignored how his heart was hammering away in apprehension, “who did you see?” 

Just before Sam looked away, Dean noticed how him bitting his lower lip, a nervous habit he had when he was nervous and unsure of what exactly to do. 

“Sam, look, if you’re not—” 

Yet, just when Dean was about to tell Sam that it was alright not to tell him, Sam’s words reached him and Dean froze. 

“It was you.”

The silence that engulfed the room suddenly became thick and suffocating. The three words played on repeat distantly in Dean’s head. He’d couldn’t deny that he’d heard them, but somehow, Dean felt as if he had no idea what the three words placed together in that specific order in that sentence meant. Dean knew Sam couldn’t have actually said those three words to him. No. It wasn’t possible. 

Choosing to believe his mind was playing some sort of a trick on him, that his ears heard words that weren’t actually there, Dean let out a light, nervous laugh. “Sam, I’m sorry but I think I might’ve misheard you.”

“Dean,” Sam’s eyes were pained yet serious as they looked at him, “I’m serious—I saw _you_.” 

“Right,” still unable to believe Sam’s words, Dean scoffed, “Sam, you know you don’t need to joke about this, alright? Just— You know what, you don’t even have to answer my question—”

“Dammit, Dean!” The angered words from Sam made Dean flinch. “I’m not joking or lying to you, okay? I swear, you’re the person I saw. I was there one moment, alone, looking for her, and then I heard your voice calling out to me. I turned and she was right there, but then I blinked and she was gone, and then suddenly you were there in her place instead. I— I immediately knew it wasn’t you, that it was still her, but I just…her thrall was too strong, and I couldn’t look or walk away. I was trapped.”

Sam took in a breath of air before continuing. “Then the thrall was abruptly broken, and when I looked around, I saw her in her true form again, and she approaching you. You were just standing there, and I realized you were caught in her thrall now. I— I immediately looked for my silver knife, but by that time I’d found it she saw tearing her claws into your shoulder. I did managed to stab her in the back, right where her heart was, but I didn’t make it in time to stop her from biting you. Then, when I pulled her from you, you fell back, and you were just…motionless on the ground, and I panicked. I— God, I… Dean, I was so relieved when I checked for a pulse and felt that your heart was still beating.” 

“Sam…” Dean had no idea what to say then. He wanted more than anything to reach out and pull Sam into his arms, to tightly embrace his brother and whisper soft reassurances, to assure Sam that he was fine, that he didn’t have to worry anymore. But Dean knew he couldn’t do that, not when his heart felt so frail, not when Dean knew he’d want more, not when Dean feared that Sam would reject such a gesture from him. 

“I was so scared, Dean, I thought—” Sam’s voice broke, “I thought I might’ve lost you too.” 

Dean merely swallowed when he realized what Sam was saying, that just like with Jess, he’d been afraid of losing his big brother too. 

“And…fuck,” Sam ran shaking hands through his hair, “I… That was just a huge reminder that this job, this thing we do, it can take us at any second. One wrong move and that’s it. And, God, Dean, I’ve always hated it.” Dean felt his heart fall. “I just… I wish we could just stop. That we could just get up and leave all this behind us, maybe even start a new life somewhere.” 

For a second, Dean had feared the worst, that Sam might get sick and tired of hunting and attempt to leave like before, but when Sam said ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ in his last sentence, hope swelled in his chest. 

“Sam…” Dean closed his mouth, unsure if he should actually say _‘if that’s what you want, just tell me, we’ll pack up right now and leave to wherever you want’_. 

“Dean, please, I…” the pained expression on Sam’s face made Dean’s heart twinge, and Dean found he had to clench his hands into tight fists, his nails digging into the skin of his palms, to try and prevent himself from merely reaching out to Sam, “I never wanted you to…find out, to know this about me, but, fuck, Dean… I don’t think I can continue hiding this anymore.”

The combination of Sam’s expression and the words he’d spoken made fear worry its way into Dean’s chest. What had Sam been hiding from him? What was Sam so afraid of Dean finding out? 

Yet before Dean could say a word, Sam was already speaking yet again. “Dean, you… I know we’re brothers, but…you mean so much more to me than that, and I… God, Dean, I can’t— I don’t want to lose you.” 

“Sam, you—” Dean allowed himself to take in a breath of air. “You’re not the only one who thinks that. You… God, Sam, you’re my little brother, and I— I’d do anything for you.”

“Dean, no,” Sam let out a nervous laugh and Dean could feel his stomach churning uncomfortably in apprehension, “you— You don’t get it. I— Fuck, Dean… I… I see you as more than just my big brother. I don’t just love you, I— I’m _in love_ with you, Dean.” 

Everything seemed to come to a complete halt. 

“I— I know it’s… _sick_ and _wrong_ for me to feel that for my own…brother, but I… I can’t help it, Dean, I never could.” Frozen in place, Dean watched as Sam’s eyes glazed over in anguish and acceptance, how this little brother’s red-rimmed eyes were watery as if he was on the very of tears. “I… Dean, I’m so sorry.” 

“Do…” Dean attempted to swallow past the lump in his throat. “Do you mean it?” 

Sam’s eyes narrowed. “What?”

“Do you really mean it, about thinking—” Dean quickly corrected himself, “about feeling like that for me?”

“Of course I do. Dean, I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this.”

“Then, fuck, that’s…” Dean felt the corners of his lips upturn into a relieved, happy smile, “great.” 

Taken completely off guard by Dean’s words, Sam’s brows pulled together in bewilderment. “Dean, what—” 

“Because then that means I can finally do this.” Not a second later, Dean got up and closed the small distance between them. Dean’s right hand reached out to gently cup his little brother’s face before he slowly leaned down to place a soft, fleeting kiss on Sam’s lips. 

When Dean pulled away to sit back down on his bed, Sam’s eyes were wide as he let out a surprised, breathless, “Dean, what…”

“Sam, if that kiss wasn’t enough proof for you, you have to know…I feel the same.” Sam stilled and Dean gave him a small smile as he explained, “I have since years before you left to Stanford. I knew it was wrong of me to feel like that for my little brother, so I tried my best to ignore it and hide it, but no matter what I did, I just…couldn’t get you out of my mind. When you left, and I thought I might finally be able to move on, but, fuck, Sam, even then my heart wouldn’t dare let you go. 

“And when I saw the live you’d created for yourself at Stanford, the life you had together with…Jessica, I knew I couldn’t let myself dream anymore, it was yet another harsh reminder that what my heart wanted was impossible, that what I wanted was something I could never have, that there was no hope for me. But I was perfectly fine with it, I mean, yeah it hurt like a bitch, but…you were happy, and that was all that mattered to me. I just… I just wanted to see you again, to have you in my life like before, even if all we could ever be was brothers.”

For nearly ten long, agonizing seconds, Sam said nothing. He merely gazed at Dean with wide, surprised eyes. Then, before Sam finally managed to find his voice again, he fixed a curious, contemplative look towards his older brother. “Dean…there’s something you should know… I— I wasn’t with Jess like that.” When Dean’s brow furrowed, Sam quickly, but quietly added, “Jess wasn’t my girlfriend, she was my best friend.” 

“What?” Dean’s brows instantly flew up in shock. “But— But you and her, you lived together, and you two looked so…”

“Dean,” Sam let out a small, nervous laugh, “I swear, Jess and I were just really good friends. I mean, she did ask me out some time after we first met, but I, uh…” to Dean’s surprise, a bright flush made its way onto Sam’s cheeks, “I declined her offer. I didn’t even have to say it, but she somehow knew that I’d said no to her because my heart was already taken.” 

The final words stole Dean’s breath. “Since how long?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Sam gave a shy smile and shrugged his shoulders, “maybe since before I even started high school? But, honestly, I’m pretty sure I’ve always felt like this about you, I just…I guess I didn’t really realize it until the summer before I started my freshman year.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Sam let out another short, nervous laugh, “well, now you know.”

“Sam, I— You can’t believe how _happy_ I am right now, but I need to know,” Dean paused to make himself let out a shaky breath of air, “what’re we going to do now?” Sam’s face fell and Dean rushed to clarify. “I _do_ want us to be together, but, Sam, do you really want to stop hunting?”

“Oh,” the unease was evident on Sam’s face, “I… Dean…”

“Please, Sam, just…please be honest with me right now, is— Is that something you really want to do?” 

“Honestly?” Dean nodded and Sam let out a shaky breath of air before he got up to sit right next to Dean on the bed. “I do. I know we do so much good, helping people out and everything, but Dean, I’m also— I’m absolutely terrified of losing you, of you getting so hurt on a case and not…” When Sam didn’t finish his sentence, his voice trailing off as he instead swallowed and bit his lip, Dean gently moved his left hand and placed it on top of Sam’s right hand to give it a small, comforting squeeze. The action was small, but it gave Sam the strength to continue, “I hate how guilty I feel about this, that even though Dad’s still out there hunting somewhere, I just want us to pack up and go. To find a place where we can get our own house, where we can have our own jobs, where we can both try to build a life…together.” 

“Sam,” Dean took a deep breath and then released the air in his lungs, “what I said earlier, I meant it—I’d do anything for you, all you have to do is ask. So if that—us not hunting anymore and going somewhere to have our own place away from it all—is what you truly want, then I’m all for it.” 

“But…” emotions seemed to war on Sam’s face before his features settled on appearing pained and perplexed, “Dean, this— Won’t you…regret it? You and Dad seemed to enjoy hunting more than I ever did. I don’t want to make you do something you’ll only end up regretting. I don’t want you to later—” Sam’s voice faltered and fell to a muffled whisper as he looked away, “to hate me for making you quit doing something you like doing.”

Dean felt his heart clench. “Sam…” he reached over and gently nudged Sam’s chin so that Sam would look back up at him, “I won’t lie, I’m sure I’ll miss hunting for a while. Because let’s face it,” Dean let out a loud breath of air as he slowly pulled his hand back, “it’s something I feel I’m good at, it gives me purpose, and after everything, I guess it’s something I feel I also need to do to feel…useful, like I’m making a difference. But like I said before, you’re everything to me, Sam. Honestly, between hunting and living a happy, normal life with you somewhere, I wouldn’t even blink before choosing the later.” 

Dean tried to give Sam a gentle, reassuring smile. “Honestly, ever since you asked me that question back when you were seventeen, I’ve hopelessly dreamt what it might be like if we could just be together like that, despite how crazy and pointless it was for me to think something like that could actually happen, given that we’re brothers. So, yeah, I might be a little restless at first, I might struggle to adjust for a bit, but if you’re there, I swear I’ll be fine.”

“Dean, you—” Sam’s brows pulled together and his lips thinned. “I feel like I’ll just…say things that’ll make you upset if I put all the blame on Dad, but… Dean, you— You’re amazing. Even before I realized how I felt about you, I always admired you. You were my big brother and, believe it or not,” Sam let out a rather pained laugh, “even though most kids should admire and look up to their fathers, I never felt that, it was always you I was looking at. You were who I looked up to, you were who I wanted to be like when I grew up. You were everything Dad wasn’t—kind, supportive, patient, and…loving. Dad was gone a lot, but you were always there with me, and more often than not, I liked that—I actually preferred that you were the one with me. Because when things got tough for me, I never wanted Dad to rush to my side to help, it was always _you_ who I wanted to be with me.”

The words were too much. Dean felt his chest constrict as a heavy, but warm feeling swelled inside of him. “Sam…”

“Also…” suddenly, Sam ducked his head, but Dean knew his little brother was blushing because even the tips of his ears were tinged with pink, “if I’m guessing correctly, you were referring to the time I asked you if you’d ever thought about settling down with someone, right?” When Dean nodded his head, Sam continued, “Well, uh, I know this is going to sound crazy, especially since I was just seventeen at the time, but, uh, when I asked you that, I admit I may’ve been a little curious and…jealous, because I imagined it too, but, uh, it was with you.” 

The words were out before Dean could hold them in, “You actually thought about us getting married?” 

To Dean’s amazement, Sam’s flush only deepened. “I knew we couldn’t, that it was impossible for us to get married like everyone else since we’re both guys, and, uh, the fact that we’re also brothers, but, even so, I still thought about it a lot. Is— Is that too weird?”

“No!” was Dean’s immediate reply. Then, he felt himself flush as he added in a calmer voice, “I mean, it’d be pretty hypocritical of me to say it was since I, uh, might’ve done the same.” 

At that, Sam’s gaze snapped up to look at Dean, and the vulnerability written on his little brother’s face sent Dean’s heart into a tizzy. “Really?” 

“Yeah.” Dean did his best to ignore how warm his own face felt. 

When Sam only smiled in reply, Dean swore he felt his heart come to a complete stop. For a change, an easy silence fell upon the room as the two brothers gazed at one another.

Then, moments later, Sam cleared his throat and forced himself to look away from Dean. “Dean, I know you still want to find Dad, so, maybe we can continue hunting for now, but then after we find him, we can really talk about us going away somewhere?” 

“That… That sounds pretty reasonable to me,” then something occurred to Dean, and he knew he had to ask, “but…don’t you still want to find and kill the thing that killed Jess?”

“Honestly?” Sam let out a small sigh and Dean felt his heart ache at the sorrowful expression on his little brother’s face. “Part of me really wants to, but then I think about Jess and what she might say if she knew about everything. I think she’d tell me that I don’t need to avenger her, that I shouldn’t put my life, and yours, at risk just to try and find whatever thing did that to her, that she wants me to move on and live the life I want. But given how it found us again after all this time, I’m also worried that it might come back once more, that it’ll follow me—us.” Sam paused then and Dean noticed how hesitant his little brother looked. “What about you?” 

Dean exhaled loudly. “I’ve been thinking a lot about this since we left California, and, I’m still so angry, that this thing killed Mom, and now Jessica too. How Dad’s always been so…focused on finding it and killing it. I won’t lie, Sam, for a long time, I felt that drive too, like that was the most important thing for us—for _me_ to do. But now, having you back and here with me, I kinda feel like…maybe I want more than that. I don’t want to live my life away hunting down that monster. It’s been so many years now, and, Sam, I… I’m tired.” 

Before Sam could speak, a loud ringing pierced the air, and two abruptly tensed. 

“Is that—” Sam began.

But Dean immediately finished the sentence for him, “My phone.”

As Sam sat there, Dean got up and rushed to grab the phone from the pocket of his jacket that Sam had placed on the other bed earlier. “Hello?”

“Dean,” the familiar voice in the phone spoke, “I— I finally got him.” 

“Who is it?” Sam couldn’t help but ask. 

“Is— Is that Sam?” the voice in the phone quietly asked. 

Dean turned to look at Sam, his expression blank as he replied, “It’s Dad.” 

 

• • •

 

Not half an hour later, a heavy silence had engulfed the motel room as Dean and Sam sat side-by-side on the edge of one of the beds. 

“I…” Sam cleared his throat before he dared speak again, “I still can’t believe it.”

“You and me both.” Dean let out a weary sigh. 

“I mean,” Sam’s brow furrowed, “I still don’t understand why a demon killed Mom and Jess, but, I just… I can’t believe that finally, after all this time, Dad was able to find and kill the thing.” When Dean stayed quiet, Sam also gave a sigh before he continued, “I’m glad that Dad got rid of the demon, but I hate that he’s _still_ keeping us in the dark. How did he find the demon? Did he figure out why the demon targeted Mom all those years ago, and then Jess? Why the hell didn’t he tell us anything before he hung up?” 

“You know how Dad is.” 

“Oh, I know,” Sam bit out, “but that still doesn’t excuse him. He’s always been like this, keeping us in the dark but ordering us to do things, no questions asked, and you know how much I hate that.” 

Dean stared curiously at Sam. “You two are gonna end up arguing when we met up, aren’t you?” 

At that, Sam seemed to deflate, his shoulders drooping slightly in guilt and embarrassment. “I’m sorry, Dean. I know how much you dislike it when Dad and I argue, but, I just—”

But Dean gently cut Sam off, “Sam, I know. You’re right, I don’t like it when you guys argue, but I also understand that you don’t approve of what Dad does, and that you’re not afraid to call him out on it. Now, we should discuss something else before we go to bed.” 

Sam looked so nervous at that and Dean couldn’t help but grin. 

“Hey, don’t look so tense, it’s nothing bad. It’s just— Now that Dad’s killed the demon, we don’t have to worry about that anymore. So, do you think we should tell Dad that we’re thinking about not hunting anymore?” At the look of clear disbelief on Sam’s face, Dean quickly added, “We probably shouldn’t mention anything about…us, though, since I’d very much like us to leave the place in one piece.”

“Yeah,” Sam nodded his head, “I’m pretty sure if Dad knew he’d…” Deciding not to finish the sentence, Sam instead cleared his throat and chose to address the something else Dean had mentioned, “I think I’d like that too, but Dean, you know that Dad isn’t going to like us saying that we’re going to stop hunting, right?” 

“Oh, believe me, Sam, I know,” Dean grimaced, “I can just imagine how upset he’ll be when we break the news to him, but you know what? I don’t care. Not anymore. After we meet up with Dad, no matter what happens, we _are_ going to walk out of there and leave without looking back so that we can finally live our lives how we want. If he doesn’t understand, then, well, fuck him.” 

Surprise colored Sam’s face, then, in a flash, he began laughing. 

“What?” Dean gazed at Sam with a puzzled expression. “Did I say something funny?” 

“No, no!” Sam quickly replied with a fond smile. “It’s just— I was taken by surprise by what you said, but in a good way.”

“Yeah, well,” Dean shrugged his shoulders, “now I’ve got a pretty damn good reason to stand up to him.” 

Yet once Sam heard and processed those words, the smile on his face faltered. “You— Dean, you mean… _us_?”

“Of course,” the serious expression on Dean’s face as he spoke made Sam’s heart skip a beat, “I never allowed myself to dream that us being together could actually happen, so now that I know these feelings aren’t unrequited, that you feel the same, that you want us to live a life together, you better know now that I’m not going to let anything get in the way of that, not even Dad.” 

Unable to help himself, Sam reached over and let his hand rest on top of Dean’s. “I won’t let anyone, or anything, get in the way of us too, Dean.” 

“Good,” Dean carefully turned his hand under Sam’s so that he could entwine their fingers together, “now, since we have to get up early tomorrow to head on over to Kansas, what do you say we take a shower together before we go to bed?” 

When Sam’s face turned scarlet, Dean couldn’t help but smirk. 

“To— Together?” Sam sputtered out, his eyes wide. 

“Of course,” Dean grinned, “my arm’s injured, Sammy, I probably won’t be able to shampoo and condition my hair. Heck, I won’t even be able to wash my back. So, I could really appreciate some help with all that.”

“Oh, uh, yeah.” Sam gulped as he glanced at Dean’s bandaged shoulder. “Then, uh, alright, I’ll help you. But, just, we’re only going to shower, alright? That means no funny business in there, okay, Dean?”

Though Dean was still grinning, and Sam could see a certain gleam in his eyes, he nodded his head and saluted Sam, “Scout’s honor, Sam.” 

But as Sam got up, he muttered under his breath, “As if you were ever even a Boy Scout.” 

 

• • •

 

Nearly half an hour later, Dean was surprised to find out that Sam liked to cuddle, and, along with that, that he preferred to be the little spoon. It’d caught Dean off guard when Sam quietly confessed that he’d enjoyed this back from when they were kids and had grown to miss the physical closeness this gave them, the way he intrinsically felt safe when Dean would hold him, how he’d dreamed of being able to sleep in Dean’s arms like this again. Dean hadn’t said it after, but the thought had lingered in the back of his mind that, yes, he also liked and missed this, how having Sam in his arms as they lied in bed together made him feel utterly an peace with everything, how it just felt so _right_. 

 

“Hey, Dean?” Sam’s hushed voice spoke out some time later.

Dean didn’t dare open his eyes. “Yeah?” 

“Since your arm’s injured, I hope you know that means I’ll be able to driving the Impala again. We gotta let your arm get some rest, so that your wound’ll heal faster, right?” 

Silence followed before Dean finally opened his eyes and muttered, “Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I'm 100% here for Dean making Sam blush. (▰˘◡˘▰) ♥
> 
> I also took some liberties with how I wrote _La Ciguapa_ in this fic, so I hope that's okay. ;;


End file.
